The life of a punk star & mom

Christmas Year 53

2011-02-12T02:59:00.000-08:00

Beth pulled the roast chicken out of the oven, it sizzled and the kitchen instantly filled with the sweet aroma. Behind, Mia and Aaron were giggling away as they tackled the roast vegetables, potato, sweet potato and carrots. Beth seasoned the chicken once more before putting it back in the oven. Standing behind her daughter and her boyfriend, who clearly adored each other, Beth put my arms around them both, kissing Mia on the cheek gently and then Aaron on his cheek. “Great job kids...” Beth murmured, stepping back and scooping up three year old Jesse, who was playing on the floor with his trucks and giving him a cuddle.

Christmas had always been a tradition in the household. Dating back to years ago, when Neil and Beth had sought refuge in Rio after everything went so badly. Now every year, a homemade meal is always cooked, even the year Beth was heavily pregnant with Jesse and Aaron helped immensely with the cooking.

This year was a sign of growth, with Ryan and Mellie now with their own families, four less spots were at the table. Mia in their place had invited her and Aaron’s close friends, Sawyer, Nikos, Jade & Jasper to join us.

After a few hours of cooking, Beth had Aaron rally everyone to the table, Mia helped Jesse to his seat (and he insisted on sitting next to her friend Nikos). The kids all buzzed with excitement, chattering away about all the presents that they had received. Beth took a seat next to her husband, and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. ‘Merry Christmas, my love.’ She whispered, squeezing his hand.

It was good to be home for Christmas.

After Party

2010-09-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

Split posted in Cowboy and Beth's blogs

Dinner was served in the marquee, an exquisite meal, combing local dishes with a dessert of home made cheesecakes, made fresh by Alex. After dinner, Neil led Beth on to the makeshift wooden tiled dance floor as the house band played their song. Holding her close, he led her in their first dance together as husband and wife. His hand on the small of her back as he glided her across the dance floor, she clutched to him, following his steps just like when they on a date. The words of the song sang as Neil twirled his wife on the dance floor, as she grinned at how much the words rang true to them. “... You stand by me, I’m forever yours... faithfully."

After their dance, she led him out of the marquee and on to the sand as the party got wilder. With a tent full of musicians, the music would go all night and the songs would vary. Holding her hand, they took in the cool Rio breeze as they stole a private moment before returning to their party. Beth just looked at him shaking her head in disbelief. "Did today really happen? Are you really my husband?" She looked down at the beautiful diamond ring on her hand and looked up at him. "How the fuck did you manage to do this?"

He laughed and shook his head, “I had a shit load of help.” he admitted. “So many people and it killed a few of them to keep the secret.” She looked at the man that she was completely, totally and absolutely head over heels in love and pulled him close. "You are just... amazing." She whispered. “I love you too Beth.” he whispers and kissed her, before sliding his arm around her and leading her back into the marquee.

As the evening went on, Mellie and Aaron took control of the microphone. ‘Mom? Uncle Neil?’ Mellie said, tapping the microphone light to ensure that it was on. ‘We just wanted to say on behalf of us kids, how glad we are that you guys have found happiness together, so on behalf of all of us we have organised for secluded night away tonight for you.’ Beth looked at Neil in curiosity; Neil’s facial expression indicated he had no idea about this arrangement either. Mellie handed the microphone to Aaron, who gave his familiar devilish grin to the crowd. ‘Your over night bags are packed and your transport awaits...’ he gestured to out to the sea, where a small boat was waiting, Rita’s brother on board.

Things happened so quickly, as Neil and Beth did the rounds quickly kissing everyone good bye, with promises of seeing everyone the next day at the Big Bang. When Neil returned to her side, he gathered her up in his arms and kissed the side of her forehead gently. ‘The kids have organised for us to stay at La Tortuga. It’s usually reserved for locals, but apparently our children can be very persuasive.’ he said as caressed her neck.

It only took half an hour to arrive to the beautiful island and Juan led them to the secluded beach shack. Juan opened the door and the room was covered in candles and white lillies, exactly what was at the wedding. A king size bed was positioned in the middle of the room, gorgeous white linen covering the bed. To the left, a bowl of fresh fruit sits on top of a small refrigerator.

Beth stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Neil, for the first time since that morning, their engagement morning, they were alone. They were hugging as husband and wife, the concept was so foreign and something that they had shied away from in the past, but now it was so right and it was them. Beth stood on her tip toes and kissed her husband softly, her heart hammered in her chest as she did so.

They were married... finally!

Ceremony

2010-09-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Split posted in Cowboy & Beth's blogs -

The girls walked through the curtain out onto the beach just as Syl was about to step out, Beth reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. For a long time, it was just Sylvia, Neil and Beth, and through the bumpy beginnings of Neil and Beth’s relationship, Sylvia was there. Every step of the way, despite her and Beth"s shaky beginning all the way back in Toronto, Sylvia embraced Beth, accepted her and remained supportive of her relationship with her brother. Sylvia smiled as if she understood the internal thoughts that Beth just experienced, squeezed her friends hand back as she turned and walked down the aisle.

The wedding was held on the beach, the marquee was for the party after wards. Behind the huge tent, fires were burning on the beach and a team of chefs, flown down from the Hogtown were hard at work with a few local helpers as they organized the food for the upcoming party.

Beth took a deep breath, as the music began. She hadn’t even seen who had been invited to this occasion or where she was suppose to be walking. Maybe that was a good thing as a feeling of nerves overwhelmed her; she took another deep breath and stepped through the curtains to a gasp from their friends and family.

She walked through a white arch, intertwined with white lilies onto the beach. Chairs had been set in the sand and a small stage built so they could be seen stood just before the water line of the high tide. He stood there with Ryan and Aaron beside him, looking out at the water. It was Aaron who saw her first and he tapped Ryan lightly on the arm. Ryan turned to stare and it was another moment before Neil noticed his sons had gone silent and turned to see what they were looking at.

Her eyes trailed over him, as he turned around to face her standing there in his suit, with a look on his face, that couldn’t even be described. With every step, Beth remembered the moments that they had shared. Their first kiss, the surfing lesson, the first time they exchanged I love yous. It was in Beth’s wildest dreams that today, would become another one of those memories that she would tuck away and love forever. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she walked with every step. The words of the song echoing through the wind and out to the sea.

When he turned to look, he thought his face was going to split in two his smile stretched so wide. His eyes caressed her as she walked towards him, the music playing in the background. When she reached him, he took her hand and kissed it softly, as he pulled her close to him, he wiped away her happy tears with his thumb. “You look ...” he shook his head, and just whispered, “wow.” she smiled as she responded, “Damn you scrub up good Cowboy…” with a wink and a giggle.

When the minister cleared her throat, Beth blinked in surprise. It was Melodi. Beth"s eldest daughter, Mellie beamed at Neil & Beth with proud eyes and then looked out to the crowd. She spoke of happiness, love and their commitment to each other. She spoke of their commitment to their children, her brothers and sisters, and how they embraced her siblings and her new step siblings into their lives. Mellie turned to them both with a smile and invited them to say their vows; Neil turned to Beth and smiled, he spoke clearly.

“I know I sprung this on you, but the truth is, it something we have talked about for a while and yet, every time we did, we talked each and ourselves out of it. I love you Beth. You are my partner, my light, my smiles, my joy. You provide an anchor in my life and at the same time, you set me free to explore. I want nothing more than to share the rest of my life with you. I promise to stand beside you when you need a friend, behind you when you need support and in front of you when you need protecting. I promise to love you and be there to catch you, every time you fall.”

Her eyes beamed with every word that he spoke; they came from his heart, his soul and every fibre of him that she adored. Given she had no time to prepare, when she was asked if she wanted to say a few words, she nodded. "I adore you. Quickly you have become my life, my world, my everything. I love raising a family with you and I can"t believe that you managed to surprise me with this beautiful day of where we could celebrate something so special to us, in a place that means so much to us with people that we love so much. I love you Cowboy, thank you so much for catching me when I fall"

Mellie looked out to crowd and smiled, "Ladies and Gentleman, I now present to you, Mr & Mrs Johnson. Uncle Neil, you can now kiss your bride…" Neil leaned forward, cupping Beth’s head within his hands and kissed her softly, his emotion clear behind the kiss. The audience cheered and burst into applause. Beth looked into Neil"s eyes, her eyes sparkling in happiness as she murmured, "I love you so much" and kissed him softly once more.

They didn’t even make it back down the aisle as friends stood and cheered and Neil scooped her up into his arms and laughed as people stepped forward to congratulate them.

Getting Ready

2010-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Originally posted in Beth's blog -

The next part happened in a rush, her mind was on a different plane as she was hustled into another part of the house. Beth was handed a glass of champagne by Chels followed by a huge hug and kiss, "Oh my kobe! It was torture not saying anything!" she said with a laugh. Beth was still getting use to the idea that she was engaged; her mind was in complete overdrive. The tears continued to flow as she hugged Chia and then her sister, Ashton. "I knew surfer dude would seal the deal!" she exclaimed when they embraced.

Finally, her eyes lay upon Sylvia. She brushed the tears from her cheeks as she hugged her tight. "Now we"ll really be sisters!" Beth said tearfully into her shoulder. Sylvia nodded and as they embraced and then she looked at Beth and commented. "Are you wearing Neil’s shirt?" Beth laughed as she nodded sheepishly, wiping her tears away again. "Come on, let’s get some food in you, so we can really get started on the day!" Sylvia said taking Beth hand.

A few hours later, Beth was ready. Sylvia’s mother had made this beautiful turquoise blue dress; the fabric was made of silk that hugged at Beth’s body. Beth waved her finger at Sylvia with a grin, realising that the trip to Esperenza’s store in Milan was for this dress. ‘You... you!’ Beth said with a shake of the head. Beth took a look in the mirror and was taken back for a moment; it was possibly one of the most beautiful dresses she ever owned. ‘Oh my kobe...’ she whispered as she looked at the girls in awe.

Sylvia’s mother entered, she was dressed formerly and she admired her handiwork proudly. ‘Neil will love it!’ she murmured as she smoothed it out some more on Beth. Beth was so stunned she could only splutter, ‘Thank you... this is... amazing, it’s gorgeous!’ Beth stumbled over her words as her friends looked on giggling.

It was time to walk.

The Proposal

2010-09-10T20:54:00.001-07:00

Originally posted in Cowboy's blog -

He had woken up early, fortunately she was used to him sneaking out of bed to go jogging. There was just so much to be done that morning and he needed to get moving. He was amused when he made his way downstairs and was greeted by a houseful of kids as he entered the kitchen. He glanced around at the group gathered there that was waiting for him and he smiled as he took the mug of coffee off of Rita. He flipped open his song book and pulled out the page at the back to run through the checklist with his accomplices.

A few hours later, after a quick dip in the ocean to aid his cover story, he went to wake her. She lay in the middle of the large king-size bed in the gorgeous master bedroom in Rio, stirring to Neil covering her in kisses. "Wake up Babes" she heard him whisper as his lips grazed her naked shoulders, then her neck and then her lips. "Is Jesse okay?" she murmured under the comfort of body weight, as he chuckled. "He is good" he smirked, "I just need to show you something." He whispered as he kissed her again. She opened her eyes and smiled, when she saw his gorgeous face. "Pass me your shirt" she said gesturing to his white cotton dress shirt that hung over the chair in their bedroom.

He crawled off the bed and tossed her the shirt, staring at her as she pulled it on over her shoulders and yawned, she pushed her long hair out of her face, and she giggled when he took her hand and led her out to the balcony, that overlooked their private beach. "What?" The words hung in the air as she saw the spectacular showing out on the beach.

There was a giant marquee set up, a long red carpet leading from the house to the beach with flowers covering every inch of the place. There were staff working busily, fixing things up as Beth looked at Neil in confusion. He was beaming at her as he reached over and pushed her hair out of her face. Leaning in, he cupped her face with his hands and kissed her softly.

“So, this has been an interesting journey. Never in a million years did I think I would find this kind of connection with someone like you,” he whispered, his hands, sliding down her neck, across her shoulders and down her arms till he had her hands in his. “I know we have talked about it and we have both laughed it off... but..”

He held her eyes with his as he lowered himself to one knee slowly and pulled a ring with a huge diamond out of his pocket. “I made sure it was a big fucking rock.” he said with a grin. “Now to explain all of this down below...” he grins, “You see, I don’t want to wait to marry you. Today, right here, all of our family, our friends, everyone will be down there, waiting to watch you walk down the aisle and become my wife, if you will take me. Will you marry me Beth?”

Tears fell from her cheeks, as she looked down at him. Word escaped her at that moment, as she looked down at the man she adored, the beautiful ring and the waves crashed onto the shoreline. "Yes… yes!!" she fell into his arms and kissed him passionately. He slipped the ring onto her finger and she blinked for a moment. "Wait… today?" she repeated finally catching the last part of his proposal.

He nodded, grinning . "Yeah, Sylvia, Chelsea, Chia and Ashton, the kids.." he smirked, thinking that without these people he never would have been able to pull it off. "They are all here. They have been helping me, they are all waiting for you. The day is completely planned out. You just need to show up my love, walk down the aisle and say yes." She didn’t move off his knee as she leaned forward and kissed him again.

Christmas Year 50

2010-08-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Beth looked around the Beach House kitchen and gave a shake of the head at the huge task in front of her. Placing the apron around her waist, she clapped her hands at her helpers. ‘Okay guys! Lets make sure today is the most awesome Christmas ever!’ she said turning to Mellie, Aaron, Faith and Tilly. Beth gave Aaron and Faith the task of one of the lambs, Mellie the roast vegetables and Tilly the dessert.

‘You guys alright out here?’ Beth said walking into lounge room where Neil and Chelsea sat with beers in hand and entertaining the children. Beth smiled when she saw Zelda sitting on the floor reading Max a book about airplanes as Addison and Dylan presented toy after toy to Jesse, who was sitting in on the floor in his play gym, for him to play with.

Turning around on her heel back to the kitchen, Beth stood stunned for a moment, taken back that Mia was standing there, Cockatoo behind her. ‘Hey…’ Mia said her eyes drifting off to the side, looking sheepish. The anger, Beth had for her daughter disappeared as the kitchen took an awkward silence. Beth pulled Mia in for a hug and whispered, ‘So glad you are here sweetheart,’ and handed her an apron. She gave Cockatoo an affectionate kiss on the cheek and sent him along to the living room where everyone else was entertaining the younger children.

The next few hours of cooking was filled with a lot of laughter and fun, consisting of Faith rolling around the kitchen on her roller blades, Mia flicking gravy at Aaron and Mellie and Tilly’s constant requests for help, which led to Chels coming in and giving a hand.

Finally, the house was filled with the aroma of roast lamb, roasted potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, carrots and Yorkshire pudding with thick gravy. Hustling everyone to the table, Beth’s heart swelled with pride ‘Thanks kids… and Chels.’ She said giving the kids a kiss on the cheek as they passed through and embracing Chels in a hug as they walked out to the table arm in arm.

‘Thanks everyone!’ Beth said as she took her spot at the table as Neil filled every one's glasses with wine or juice. She dragged Jesse’s high chair close to the spot between her chair and Neil’s. She smiled as Neil took a place beside her. ‘Merry Christmas Cowboy.’ she whispered giving him a kiss on the lips.

Lunch with Sylvia

2010-08-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Beth put down the menu and looked over at Jesse in the carrier, putting the pacifier back in his mouth. With a grin she shook her head, 'Can you believe how much he looks like your brother?' she said across the table at Sylvia who was battling Cabot in a high chair. She snicked as she nodded, securing Cabot into the seat.

Beth looked down at the menu again, when Neil suggested that she have lunch with her best friend and the two youngest babies, Beth thought nothing of it. She'd offered to bring Max too, but at the age of two he was going through such a destructive phase Neil was insistent on taking him along to the round of secret errands he had to do in the afternoon. 'I am really curious as to what Neil had to do this afternoon,' Beth said as she pondered over the chicken or the fish. Sylvia took a sip of her water and waved her hand as if to say 'Forget about it', choking slightly on the water. 'Oh my kobe are you okay?' Beth exclaimed as Sylvia nodded.

The girls both ordered their food and Beth looked over at her best friend and took a deep breath. 'Something really weird has been happening lately....' she began.

Strip Poker Fun

2010-05-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Beth said...: Beth sat looking out to the ocean on Neil’s lap and felt comfort. ‘It was my pleasure…’ she whispered at him as she rests her cheek on his. The chorus of ‘Mom!!’ coming from inside the house bought them back to earth as she got out of his lap. ‘I’ll be back…’ she whispered, kissing his cheek, as she went and got the kids settled.

After half an hour, she walked into the lounge to find a poker table set up, and Neil with a cigar hanging out the side of his mouth. ‘What on earth…’ she said looking at him shuffling cards and setting up some poker chips. Seeing his cheeky grin and John and Sylvia walk into the room with game faces on, Beth realised she was in for some strip poker.

‘Ahh geez. I’ll be up against three former treasurers! I hardly think this is fair!’ She said taking a seat next to Cowboy, as he offered her a cigar. ‘I am sure I could just save us all time and strip down to my bra and panties…’ she said with a wink.; May 7, 2010 6:57 PM
samothrace said...: Syl's game face fell when she saw the poker table, and she immediately spun and punched Jon hard in the arm. "What the hell!? I thought we were going to play Monopoly. You told me we were going to play Monopoly!" Her angry expression was welcomed by Jon's good-natured laugh, as he led her to the table and pulled out her seat for her in a gentlemanly manner. "You are so dead, you know that, Jon," she grumbled as she sat down.

Sighing, she exchanged worried glances with Beth across the table. "Treasurer experience isn't going to help here, Beth. Poker has very little do with actual numbers. It isn't even about odds. It's about signals." Disgruntled, she took a poker chip from the chip carousel in the center of the table, and spun it on the table top. "It's about the signals you give off to other people, and reading the signals people give off to you. You can have the best cards in your hand, but if someone with crap-ass cards convinces you to fold, you're screwed. There's a reason why they have that saying about 'playing a bad hand well'."

She slapped her hand down on the table, stopping the spinning chip. Picking it up, she absently traced her fingers along the edges and gave a resigned smile. "Anyways, I can't lie to save my life and Cowboy's known me so long he can read me like a book. I think the advantage goes to the former Mayors of Toronto," she said as she glanced with envy at Jon and Neil. "They're the ones with the most experience with keeping a straight face when the odds are stacked against them."

Setting the clay chip back into the carousel, she stood up and began to unexpectedly stumble nervously through her next words. "So I, uh... it seems to be a bit chilly in here," she lied. "I'll, um... I think I'll, um... go get my jacket."

Christmas Year 48

2010-05-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

Tying the apron around her waist, Beth walked into the lounge where the boys were sitting watching television (the kids spread around playing with their new toys, Max seated on Neil's lap, sucking on a teething ring) and Beth handed the boys a beer each. Beth walked back to the kitchen to find Sylvia and Faith both in aprons, ready to get the meal prepared for the day. As Beth walked around the counter she began to laugh, 'Faith! How are you going to prepare anything with your rollerblades on?' She shook her head, that girl was amazing.

After two hours of hard work, the kitchen was filled with the aroma of a roast lamb, roasted potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, carrots and Yorkshire pudding and thick gravy, all traditional Christmas meals that Beth had growing up when she was living in Melbourne, Australia. The Yorkshire pudding was especially special, as it was a recipe passed down from her grandmother, a batter snack that tasted amazing with freshly carved lamb and thick gravy. The three girls looked very proud of themselves, when the final plate of food was placed onto the table. the grinned at each other, as they called the boys and kids in for dinner. On the bench, the pavlova Beth made for dessert sat decorated with strawberries and kiwi-fruit.

Beth led the little kids, Zoey, Mila, Aiden and Max into the bathroom to be cleaned up before bringing them back to the huge dining room table and sitting them down. Max still on her hip, she carried him over to his high chair and set him in it, in the chair beside her, mashing a small portion of potation into little clumps in his bowl and setting it in front of him.

1200 Days

2010-04-18T04:40:00.001-07:00

I've had a whole week to adjust as to what has been happening. Yeah still not quite there. Taking off the rings were hard, I never thought I'd ever take them off. But knowing Mila has them and she wears them proudly, is enough for me to know the legacy will live on.

Firstly, thanks to everyone that sent me PM's and such, I really, really appreciate it. Some of the PM's I didn't respond to, because well... I am just not ready to commit to anything right now.

This is the first time in a really, really long time I've been single. The thought of that is a bit frightening. People know that I am a huge planner. At 30-*coughcough*-something, I have now got a whole period of unwritten history ahead of me.

That's huge.

Unwritten.

I wish I knew

2010-04-18T04:26:00.001-07:00

I took my wedding rings off today.

I won’t lie; I’ve been wearing them for over a week in a hope that perhaps I wake up from a dream. I gave my rings to Mila, who wears them with pride around her neck. I couldn’t bare to throw them away, that’s my history, giving them to our little girl just seemed fitting.

Tilly, Annabelle, Mila and I went for a walk along the beach today with Max in his baby carrier strapped to my chest. The girls collected shells and exclaimed with squeals of delight every time they found ‘a good one’. It was so refreshing for it to be just us, and Max didn’t scream once! He slept the entire time, drunk on milk and just snored away, as the girls giggled and ran up the beach.

Speaking of running… Cowboy and I have been going for these painful, grueling runs that make you want to melt and collapse in a heap. During these times, I call him every single name you can possibly think of under the sun and say the most filthiest things to him known to mankind. He makes it worse by chuckling and laughing at me, and then chants things at me to run more and harder. He just makes me want to smack him or kick him in the head, but my legs hurt too much to reach and he is too fast for me to catch him. He thinks it’s all pretty amusing. I on the other hand, do not.

I wish I knew...

Keep on Singing my Song

2010-04-18T04:25:00.003-07:00

Back in Rio.

Seems good, I have this quiet place to escape to and the kids enjoy it here. In fact, a lot of people I know come here to escape. I just have no plans on leaving at the moment.

Today, the kids and I went to the beach. Tilly, Annabelle, Mila all splashed around, whilst I sat at the waters edge with Max in my arms. I dangled his little legs in the water, as the waves rushed up the shore. He did the cutest little giggle I’ve ever heard from my little boy. He tolerated this for about half an hour before he decided he was over it and boy, did he let us all know about it. He screamed the house down and the girls were not impressed that their beach adventure was now over.

Making our way back to our accommodation, Tilly and Belle were grumbling about having to leave the beach so soon. I realised that they were around the same age, when I left the beach. I grew up by the sea before my folks split and then my Mom whisked me off to New York to be closer to her side of the family. I hoped my children grew to appreciate the beach and the sea just like I had. That it was a place of quiet, relaxation and really getting to know yourself.

For me, no more chasing after anyone else, now it was time for serenity and for me. Being alone with the four kids is hard, but I know I can do it.

I look forward to the new challenges that life brings. For now, I am just taking some awesome time out, perfecting my skills and using my life experiences to churn out some great songs.

I'm just going to keep on singing my song.

Finality

2010-04-18T04:25:00.001-07:00

After some careful consideration, John and I decided to wrap the band up. Our final gig was in Barcelona and we are glad we could perform a terrific show for our fans.

I am now off to recharge my batteries, catch up with some friends and spend time with my babies.

I need some me time, I need to do this for me.

Sorry Sofia

2010-04-18T04:24:00.001-07:00

So I escaped and ran away. I ran all the way to Rio.

Michael and Savannah were here with their tour and it was good to see them. I felt terrible I didn't bring Max with me, but given the circumstances they were both pretty understanding. Whilst they were busy, I stopped by a familiar beach house. A house that had been the source of a lot of pain lately. Knocking on the door to be greeted by a house keeper, who hustled me out to a decking. There he lay, on a lounge chair looking out to the shore. 'Well... ' I said, startling the crap out of him. It was good to see him in the flesh, to know he was actually safe and alive. We spent some time catching up and talking. It was good to actually speak to someone that is in the position of starting over again. New chapter and all of that. I think my mind is still spinning over the reality that this is happening. Never in a million years did I expect that I would be in this place... again!

I missed my Sofia gig and I apologise to our fans. I will be at the concert in Milan. I just couldn't be in Sofia right now, due to... well obvious reasons. I thank everyone again for their understanding.

This is really all over the place - but this explains perfectly what I am going through right now.

I'm forever yours

2010-04-18T04:23:00.003-07:00

I don't want to talk about it. But figured I'd end the speculation.

I filed for divorce from Jonathan Lancashire.

But I figured the astute people around here (and my stalkers) will probably see it anyway.

We've had an amazing six years together, we have beautiful children and I wish him nothing but the absolute best. I hope he finds what he wants and is looking for.

And I still think I've been so lucky to have the greatest love story in the entire world. To have been loved by him, was just... well I have no words. He knows I'll always love him, for the great times we have shared, for the beautiful children he has given me.

It's with great sadness, that this has happened. And I really thank my friends for being so wonderful and caring.

I'm going to take some well deserved time out now, and please excuse for the delay in my PM responses and such.

Always.

Hurt

2010-04-18T04:23:00.001-07:00

I've been hurting myself.

The writings on the wall

2010-04-18T04:22:00.001-07:00

Just when you think you got life all figured out.

It throws you this curve-ball. It swerves you.

You are left scratching your head and wondering how the crap it all happened. Why you are the last one left standing.

I don't ask questions anymore. The answers are all the wrong ones.

The writing is on the wall.

It's been coming for a long time, I just didn't see it.

It's the rise and fall.

Biggest smile all day:

Becoming this little guy's godmomma. I love you little JT!

Kobe Answered

2010-04-18T04:21:00.000-07:00

'Momma?'

I almost died when I heard Mia's voice on the other end.

'They found him. He is alive. He is okay.'

My heart jumped into my throat. The week had started badly and progressively gotten worse. Now, the thing I'd prayed for to Kobe, was granted.

Mia and I spoke for a few more minutes before I hung up. Max squirmed a little, grunting in his portable crib and I went over and picked my little guy up. Walking over to the bed, I lay down with my man on my chest.

Taking a deep breath and kissing my newborn son's forehead, I could feel the atmosphere of change churning through the room.

But could I survive it?

RE: Cowboy's Last Ride

2010-04-03T19:15:00.003-07:00

After the jam session and back to my hotel, my phone rang, it was Regi.

'Wait... calm down. What!? Are you sure?' she was talking a million miles a minute and my heart hammered in my chest as the words swirled around in my head.

Neil missing.

In accident.

No signs of life.

I hung up the phone, as the core of my being started to shake, a thousand thoughts went through my head.

It was at that moment, that every little bitching and complaining I had done in the last few days, meant absolutely nothing.

I was torn. What do I do? What do I say? I wanted to reach out to Pascaline and give her the biggest hug in the entire world.

At the moment, I did the only thing I could do.

Dropped to my knees and did a sudden prayer to Kobe,
through tears I whispered.

'Kobe, please hear me. Kobe, I need you to save my friend. Find him and take him back to his family. His family needs him. Please Kobe!'

I sat on the bed and watched Max as he slept, I held my mobile phone in my hand tightly... and waited for the next lot of news. I sure hoped that Ryan and Tiny were okay...

x.x

To Jackson:

2010-04-03T19:15:00.001-07:00

To my beautiful son, Jackson Lee

Today was a very special day. Not because we welcomed your youngest brother, Max to the world, but because you were embarking on your own journey and starting off in the world on your own. I am so excited and proud of you.

Being your mother is one of the best jobs in the world. I think your father has done the most amazing job raising you. I am so proud that two of the boys in my life have done so well and come so far.

Everyone laughed when I became pregnant with you, I craved pizza and ice-cream sundaes the entire time. All the while continuing the police beat on the mean streets of Melbourne. It somehow seems fitting that sixteen years on, here I am, sitting in the city of Melbourne with your new baby brother, Max.

You've been the most proudest and brave big brother to Melodi, Mia, Zachary, Tilly, Annabelle, Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila, Aiden, Max - Stormy, Elmo, Saphhira Tiara & Elliot, I think the amount of squeals, cuddles and laughter you get every time you visit is such a testament to that.

I wish I could say the path ahead will be easier now you have reached this milestone, it'll be hard work. But know that, your father, myself, John and Kelsea are all here for you, supporting and loving you EVERY single step of the way.

Reach for the stars and grab your dreams, Jack.

I love you.

Love Mom
xxxx

And finally...

2010-04-03T19:14:00.005-07:00

I was transported to the hospital only half an hour after my revelation that I thought Michael was the father of my newborn son. DNA Tests proved that this was later the case, and I had to make the phone call to the new Dad to let him know.

He knew the phone call was coming and he promised he would be on his way shortly thereafter. In the mean time, my good friend and Michael's wife, Savannah was in town with their son Jake. She stopped by the hospital and came to meet the new bundle of joy, and for Jake to meet his new brother. I was so glad that she had accepted my previous offer of becoming Max's godmother, and she would be joining Regina, Ashton and Stanton as one of Max's guardians of life and love.

Michael must've taken the first flight out because he was suddenly here, and he gave me an affectionate kiss on the forehead and then looked down at our newborn son, sleeping in the crib. 'He is adorable...' he breathed, looking over at me. I nodded with a smile, as he picked him up and cradled him gently. I played with the toy cars on the bed with Jake, as Michael and Savannah spoke softly to Max.

Max is one lucky little boy. At only a few hours old, he already has a whole bunch of people that love him.
My kids filtered in throughout the day, Jackson, Mellie (and Malaki, her long-term boyfriend), Mia and Zachary all came by after school. Regi bought Tilly and Annabelle in for a visit, and John came past in the afternoon with Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila and Aiden. Max and I released from hospital in the evening, and was able to go home and join the family.
Looking down at my newborn son as I filled out the necessary paperwork, I sighed happily for the first time in months.

'You are a lucky little man Max. And I am a damn lucky woman...' I whispered.

And it was time...

2010-04-03T19:14:00.003-07:00

It felt like just a few short minutes later, Ashton was holding on to my hands tightly, I was screaming and the calmest person in the room was Regina, who'd done this quite a few times before.

'Beth...' Regi said sternly, because she could sense I was tiring, getting weak and on the verge of just becoming a teary mess. 'It's really important now, that you just give one real, long and hard push okay?' She put a reassuring hand on mine. I nodded, and pushed.

It was that familiar feeling of a rush and then the release.

'It's a boy! He is here! He is out!' Regi said, happily rubbing my newborn son's back vigorously. Two seconds, later we heard him cry. I burst into inconsolable tears as Regi placed him on my chest and the three of us looked at him in awe. Ashton kissed my forehead, and then her new nephew's head.

The door flung open and John burst through, sweat pouring off his forehead, he slid onto the floor beside me and kissed my cheek and forehead over and over. 'Baby....' he just murmured, looking down at the new member of the family.

'It's a boy...' I whispered, blinking away tears. John looked at me and nodded, stroking my newborn son's forehead, he then whispered something in Bulgarian (as he did when Zoey, Mila and Aiden were born) and I started to cry again. I knew then, everything was truly going to be okay. Accepting my beautiful mistake, as one of his own, I knew we were going to be okay.

'Do you have a name for him?' Ashton asked me, wiping her own eyes of tears.

I nodded slightly, and whispered.

'Max Lucas... Max meaning greatest and Lucas after my beautiful Luc who looks down on me every day.' Regi cried into my shoulder, when I whispered Luc's name, as she was the only other person that truly understood the pain I felt when I lost my eldest son.

I looked down at my son and into his eyes. It was at that moment, I knew who his father was.

'Oh.. my... Kobe....' I breathed.

It was time...

2010-04-03T19:14:00.001-07:00

My contractions were coming hard and fast, and I was alone. I couldn't even pry myself off the hotel room floor to get to the phone beside the bed to call an ambulance or John or anyone. It was a miracle when Ashton knocked on the door just a few moments later, she kicked down the door when she heard me whimper on the other side and her eyes widened in shock when she saw me crumpled on the floor. She called down the hall to Regi and they both came running in. The feeling of relief just flooded over me as I knew things were going to be okay. The emotions were too much, and I started to cry. The girls helped me into another position and Ashton sat beside me and stroked my sweaty forehead and gave me a kiss.

'Oh Beth... it'll be okay... I promise...' she whispered, squeezing my hand.

Regi squeezed my hand reassuringly and smiled.

'Forever, remember that...' she said, referring to a promise that we made each other.

'I can't do this without John.' I said through tears, I was feeling completely defeated.

'I don't think your little one is giving you much of a choice!' Ashton said with a smile. 'I think the baby wants to meet their Mommy...' Regi added.

Ashton opened her cell phone and called John, briefly explained what was happening and handed the phone to me.

'Baby?' I said tearfully.

'It'll be okay baby. I'll leave the venue now. I'll be there as soon as I can!' He said. I could hear him slamming car doors and buckling a seatbelt.

'I am so sorry...' I croaked out, my voice quivering.

'Baby... stop apologising. Save your strength. You are going to meet the latest member of our family. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you!' John said.

I handed the phone back to Ashton, who gave me another kiss on the forehead.

'Yeah so, the little one doesn't want to wait... we are doing this now...' Regi said, grabbing a bunch of hotel towels out.

'Now?' Ashton and I both exclaimed.

'Yep, right now.'

Conversations with my sister

2010-04-03T19:13:00.001-07:00

Sitting down today with a baby name book, I began the long (and drawn out) process of searching for the perfect name for the baby.

Ashton, my dear sister, was in Moscow and caught up with me for a drink before we both had to dash off to band related activities. She joined me at the restaurant, and looked at the book.

'Baby names?' She said with a surprise.

Up until a few days ago, I was avoiding any discussions baby related so this was a surprise. I nodded. Gesturing to the girls name section of the book.

'I am quite stuck here though. I just can't seem to find a girl's name that I love, yanno?'

Ashton nodded and thought for a moment as she flicked through the menu.

'What about Mimi?'

I blinked, just in time for her to start a bombardment of name choices.

'Margarita?'
'Meritxel?'
'Mari Pili?'
'Maj-Britt?'
'Margrethe?'
'Maca?'
'Melanctha?'
'Marpessa?'
'Moona?'

I contemplated in throwing my menu at Ashton, but she must've caught my frame of thinking because she put her index finger up and said - 'Catlike moves woman!'

She was silent for a moment, as I absorbed the bombardment of names that were just thrown my way, when she exploded:

'OH MY KOBE! I HAVE GOT IT! I'VE GOT!' her voice echoing throughout the restaurant, that made the punters turn around and stare.

'MAUI!'

'Like Meow?' I wondered outloud.

Ashton then proceeded to sound out the name, which resembled to some sort of barnyard animal and I couldn't help but just blink and stare in shock for a moment as to the events that had just taken place.

' So... whilst you have been prattling random names at me like you have tourette syndrome or something, I actually made a list of the names I liked.'

'So no Mashton?' Ash said with a sad face.

I chuckled.

'Maybe if there's a Mashton....'

Life Shattering Part 8

2010-04-03T19:12:00.001-07:00

My husband made love to me today.

A sign that things are looking up?

I know I fucked up. But I will do everything I can.

Life Shattering Part 7

2010-04-03T19:11:00.002-07:00

'Holy shit...' Ashton commented as she held my hair back as I puked once again.

'This is bullshit!' I exclaimed, whilst my guilt and shame had subsided, the morning sickness had kicked in full throttle.

'Do you even remember anything?' Ashton asked as she rubbed my back and handed me a glass of water.

'Oh yeah... Stephen Leece and I used a rubber. I woke with a start the other night and remembered that he tore the packet off with his teeth, spat it out and well... yanno.' I said, my face going red.

'So you are down to two?' Ashton said, handing me a cool compress for my forehead.

I nodded, sipping the water and shaking my head. The shame washed over me like I was laying on a beach and a wave had crashed in.

I patted Ashton's own baby belly and gave her a smile.

'I'm excited that I'll be doing this with you sis...' I said, 'If there is anything good I can take out of this... well... that would be it!'

Ashton smiled and gave me a hug.

'Beth... you are going to be a Mommy again. Again...'

It dawned on me. She was right.

I'm going to have a newborn in the house again. Holy... shit.

Was I really doing the right thing?

Life Shattering Part 6

2010-04-03T19:11:00.001-07:00

I picked up the proofs for It's POP Global today, to be published later today.

I noticed Cali, my co-editor and good friend, hovering over a particular piece and make a good effort to hide my view of it.

'Cali?' I said with a laugh, 'What are you doing?'
She looked at me with a serious face.
'You don't want to see this...' She said, standing her ground.
'What?' I was completely lost.
'It's It's POP Gossip...' she said, about one of our anonymously delivered column articles delivered every week.

My stomach and heart lurched.

'How bad is it?' I said, bracing myself.
'It's bad...' She said quietly.
'I should see it. I mean... I have to see it. Everyone see's it in a few hours!' I said, preparing myself for everything.
Cali reluctantly stepped to the side and let me have view of the column.

Mortified. Horrified. The shame washed over me once again.

I'll never live this down.

'Okay.' I said after a moment taking it in.
'Okay?' Cali echoed.
I nodded, excusing myself and heading straight for my office. Locking the door behind me, I sank to the floor, leaning against the door and put my head to my knees.

I give up. I wave my white flag.

Life Shattering Part 5

2010-04-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, to realise that John had taken the kids out for a walk. Bleary-eyed, into the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. The evidence of my poor judgment and horrible decisions made itself known.

My stomach was slightly swelled.

This was really, truly happening. I was going to live with this mistake for the rest of my life and look at it grow inside me for the next eight months.

A few people have asked me why I wasn't carrying condoms. Well, to be fair - I was, I just hadn't realised I had run out. Because of the sheer amount of people that I was hanging around with in London, I (and others) missed the fact that I was ovulating.

'Beth you are old enough to know better!' A friend scolded at me. And she was right, I do and I've hurt so many people with my completely reckless, think-less actions.

Maybe one day, I'll stop hating myself. Tomorrow at least, I'll see my sister. I need some cuddles from her.

Open Fire. I wish I could just sleep for a million years and this would've be completely over.

Life Shattering Part 4

2010-04-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

I was determined to make things right.

I had fucked up, and I knew it, there were no two ways about it.

I had texted Sally a few hours after my startling realisation. I'd obviously worried her so badly, she took a private jet out to see me straight away.

She held my hand across the restaurant table, as I told her what had occurred and the events leading up to my demise.

'I just gotta ask Bee...' she said, taking a sip of her Coopers. 'Uh... who are the potential Dad's?'

It was the question I was dreading. Partly because I was so mortified, and partly because I, myself couldn't believe how reckless I was over a 24 hour period.

'Well... Brad Salter and I had sex, but like... he swears he wore a rubber - so I am guessing he is out. Then... I sort of, kinda... had a bit of a wild time with Reg Cornell at a wedding, where I drank a bit too much absinthe. I definitely said a very... happy hello to Stephen Leece as he was in town. And Michael Maynard and I caught up for some... happy times' I drifted off toward the end.

Sally blinked for a moment and held her index finger up to gesture for me to wait, she took her beer and sculled it.

'Ok.' She said, taking a breath. She moved seats to the one closest to me and gave me a huge hug. 'You'll get through this Bee. I know you will. And I'll be standing by your side the entire way.'

She's a good friend. Next up, just to catch up with my homegirl and my sister.

For now though, I was just determined to make us the special two again.

Life Shattering Part 3

2010-04-03T19:07:00.002-07:00

'You're what?!' Jonathan exclaimed.

His face was a mixture of confusion and disbelief. My heart was breaking that I was doing this to a man, that I love completely.

I looked down at my hands, I had no words, no excuses. I had fucked up, and now I took on the consequences. It could cost me my friends, family and my marriage. The burning question was... would he stand by me?

'Beth! This is crazy!' He said, in the same tone as before.

'I know,' I said quietly. What else could I say? This WAS crazy.

'Who's the father?' He said, not accusingly but curiously.

My eyes darted around to everywhere else, but him.

'Uh....' What exactly was I going to say? Hey babe, went on a bender, had sex with a handful of people and I don't know who the fuck my baby's daddy is?

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair and down to his two day old stubble. He sat beside me on the bed.

'Well... fuck...' he sighed.

'Yep...' I echoed.

He took a deep breath, I could see his eyes racing a million miles a minute.

I braced myself...

John started chuckling. 'Morning sickness kicked in yet, party girl?' he winked, then embraced me. 'You're looking at 9 months of pot shots and jokes, babe. Ya ready?'

'What?' I said, my ears were fading in and out of sound.

'Lets embrace this, like we have everything else before...' He said

'WHAT? You aren't divorcing me? Picking the kids up and going to live in Bolivia?' I exclaimed.

'Where the fuck's Bolivia?' He said, looking at me confused.

I couldn't respond.

'You ain't getting rid of me that easy, babe.' He said, putting his hand on mine. 'But... I do think you need some help. I know you've been hurting since Lucius died. But he'd want you to live, not self-destruct. And don't forget the babies you have here. They need you too...'

I nodded, slowly, dazed. 'Yes you are right...'

Seriously... how could a man this great... possibly love me after what I have done?

Life Shattering Part 2

2010-04-03T19:07:00.001-07:00

Throughout the flight to Mexico, the waves of nausea were giving me palpitations. I don’t know whether it was the bottle of absinth making me unwell or the fact that I was moments away from my damnation.

It was like slow motion as I walked off the plane, through the gates and met John, who was standing there and smiling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss in my hair and even though I looked like crap, still said I looked beautiful.

The car ride to our hotel was long and pain-filled. I made mindless conversation and laughed at the right spots in John’s stories. Once we were in the hotel room, John obviously couldn’t take it anymore.

‘Alright Beth… what’s going on?’

I took a deep breath and a plunge at my fate.

How the hell could I do this?

Life Shattering Part 1

2010-04-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

My hands shook as I held the test and the bright blue lines stared back at me.

'Fuck.'

The hotel room stank of booze and sex. It stank of my shame. How did it come this way? How did I get on this path of self-loathing and destruction?

Looking at my drawn out, gaunt appearance in the mirror, I felt sick. I looked sick.

How the hell am I going to get out of this one? My mine screamed, cursed and hated me all at once.

I picked up my mobile phone and booked a flight, my next phone call was to Jonathan.

'Babe... it's me. Meet me at the airport. We gotta talk...'