I've had a whole week to adjust as to what has been happening. Yeah still not quite there. Taking off the rings were hard, I never thought I'd ever take them off. But knowing Mila has them and she wears them proudly, is enough for me to know the legacy will live on.
Firstly, thanks to everyone that sent me PM's and such, I really, really appreciate it. Some of the PM's I didn't respond to, because well... I am just not ready to commit to anything right now.
This is the first time in a really, really long time I've been single. The thought of that is a bit frightening. People know that I am a huge planner. At 30-*coughcough*-something, I have now got a whole period of unwritten history ahead of me.
That's huge.
Unwritten.
About Me
- Beth C
- Mother. Wife of Neil. Member of the punk rock band Delicious Liaisons.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I wish I knew
I took my wedding rings off today.
I won’t lie; I’ve been wearing them for over a week in a hope that perhaps I wake up from a dream. I gave my rings to Mila, who wears them with pride around her neck. I couldn’t bare to throw them away, that’s my history, giving them to our little girl just seemed fitting.
Tilly, Annabelle, Mila and I went for a walk along the beach today with Max in his baby carrier strapped to my chest. The girls collected shells and exclaimed with squeals of delight every time they found ‘a good one’. It was so refreshing for it to be just us, and Max didn’t scream once! He slept the entire time, drunk on milk and just snored away, as the girls giggled and ran up the beach.
Speaking of running… Cowboy and I have been going for these painful, grueling runs that make you want to melt and collapse in a heap. During these times, I call him every single name you can possibly think of under the sun and say the most filthiest things to him known to mankind. He makes it worse by chuckling and laughing at me, and then chants things at me to run more and harder. He just makes me want to smack him or kick him in the head, but my legs hurt too much to reach and he is too fast for me to catch him. He thinks it’s all pretty amusing. I on the other hand, do not.
I wish I knew...
I won’t lie; I’ve been wearing them for over a week in a hope that perhaps I wake up from a dream. I gave my rings to Mila, who wears them with pride around her neck. I couldn’t bare to throw them away, that’s my history, giving them to our little girl just seemed fitting.
Tilly, Annabelle, Mila and I went for a walk along the beach today with Max in his baby carrier strapped to my chest. The girls collected shells and exclaimed with squeals of delight every time they found ‘a good one’. It was so refreshing for it to be just us, and Max didn’t scream once! He slept the entire time, drunk on milk and just snored away, as the girls giggled and ran up the beach.
Speaking of running… Cowboy and I have been going for these painful, grueling runs that make you want to melt and collapse in a heap. During these times, I call him every single name you can possibly think of under the sun and say the most filthiest things to him known to mankind. He makes it worse by chuckling and laughing at me, and then chants things at me to run more and harder. He just makes me want to smack him or kick him in the head, but my legs hurt too much to reach and he is too fast for me to catch him. He thinks it’s all pretty amusing. I on the other hand, do not.
I wish I knew...
Keep on Singing my Song
Back in Rio.
Seems good, I have this quiet place to escape to and the kids enjoy it here. In fact, a lot of people I know come here to escape. I just have no plans on leaving at the moment.
Today, the kids and I went to the beach. Tilly, Annabelle, Mila all splashed around, whilst I sat at the waters edge with Max in my arms. I dangled his little legs in the water, as the waves rushed up the shore. He did the cutest little giggle I’ve ever heard from my little boy. He tolerated this for about half an hour before he decided he was over it and boy, did he let us all know about it. He screamed the house down and the girls were not impressed that their beach adventure was now over.
Making our way back to our accommodation, Tilly and Belle were grumbling about having to leave the beach so soon. I realised that they were around the same age, when I left the beach. I grew up by the sea before my folks split and then my Mom whisked me off to New York to be closer to her side of the family. I hoped my children grew to appreciate the beach and the sea just like I had. That it was a place of quiet, relaxation and really getting to know yourself.
For me, no more chasing after anyone else, now it was time for serenity and for me. Being alone with the four kids is hard, but I know I can do it.
I look forward to the new challenges that life brings. For now, I am just taking some awesome time out, perfecting my skills and using my life experiences to churn out some great songs.
I'm just going to keep on singing my song.
Seems good, I have this quiet place to escape to and the kids enjoy it here. In fact, a lot of people I know come here to escape. I just have no plans on leaving at the moment.
Today, the kids and I went to the beach. Tilly, Annabelle, Mila all splashed around, whilst I sat at the waters edge with Max in my arms. I dangled his little legs in the water, as the waves rushed up the shore. He did the cutest little giggle I’ve ever heard from my little boy. He tolerated this for about half an hour before he decided he was over it and boy, did he let us all know about it. He screamed the house down and the girls were not impressed that their beach adventure was now over.
Making our way back to our accommodation, Tilly and Belle were grumbling about having to leave the beach so soon. I realised that they were around the same age, when I left the beach. I grew up by the sea before my folks split and then my Mom whisked me off to New York to be closer to her side of the family. I hoped my children grew to appreciate the beach and the sea just like I had. That it was a place of quiet, relaxation and really getting to know yourself.
For me, no more chasing after anyone else, now it was time for serenity and for me. Being alone with the four kids is hard, but I know I can do it.
I look forward to the new challenges that life brings. For now, I am just taking some awesome time out, perfecting my skills and using my life experiences to churn out some great songs.
I'm just going to keep on singing my song.
Finality
After some careful consideration, John and I decided to wrap the band up. Our final gig was in Barcelona and we are glad we could perform a terrific show for our fans.
I am now off to recharge my batteries, catch up with some friends and spend time with my babies.
I need some me time, I need to do this for me.
I am now off to recharge my batteries, catch up with some friends and spend time with my babies.
I need some me time, I need to do this for me.
Sorry Sofia
So I escaped and ran away. I ran all the way to Rio.
Michael and Savannah were here with their tour and it was good to see them. I felt terrible I didn't bring Max with me, but given the circumstances they were both pretty understanding. Whilst they were busy, I stopped by a familiar beach house. A house that had been the source of a lot of pain lately. Knocking on the door to be greeted by a house keeper, who hustled me out to a decking. There he lay, on a lounge chair looking out to the shore. 'Well... ' I said, startling the crap out of him. It was good to see him in the flesh, to know he was actually safe and alive. We spent some time catching up and talking. It was good to actually speak to someone that is in the position of starting over again. New chapter and all of that. I think my mind is still spinning over the reality that this is happening. Never in a million years did I expect that I would be in this place... again!
I missed my Sofia gig and I apologise to our fans. I will be at the concert in Milan. I just couldn't be in Sofia right now, due to... well obvious reasons. I thank everyone again for their understanding.
This is really all over the place - but this explains perfectly what I am going through right now.
Michael and Savannah were here with their tour and it was good to see them. I felt terrible I didn't bring Max with me, but given the circumstances they were both pretty understanding. Whilst they were busy, I stopped by a familiar beach house. A house that had been the source of a lot of pain lately. Knocking on the door to be greeted by a house keeper, who hustled me out to a decking. There he lay, on a lounge chair looking out to the shore. 'Well... ' I said, startling the crap out of him. It was good to see him in the flesh, to know he was actually safe and alive. We spent some time catching up and talking. It was good to actually speak to someone that is in the position of starting over again. New chapter and all of that. I think my mind is still spinning over the reality that this is happening. Never in a million years did I expect that I would be in this place... again!
I missed my Sofia gig and I apologise to our fans. I will be at the concert in Milan. I just couldn't be in Sofia right now, due to... well obvious reasons. I thank everyone again for their understanding.
This is really all over the place - but this explains perfectly what I am going through right now.
I'm forever yours
I don't want to talk about it. But figured I'd end the speculation.
I filed for divorce from Jonathan Lancashire.
But I figured the astute people around here (and my stalkers) will probably see it anyway.
We've had an amazing six years together, we have beautiful children and I wish him nothing but the absolute best. I hope he finds what he wants and is looking for.
And I still think I've been so lucky to have the greatest love story in the entire world. To have been loved by him, was just... well I have no words. He knows I'll always love him, for the great times we have shared, for the beautiful children he has given me.
It's with great sadness, that this has happened. And I really thank my friends for being so wonderful and caring.
I'm going to take some well deserved time out now, and please excuse for the delay in my PM responses and such.
Always.
I filed for divorce from Jonathan Lancashire.
But I figured the astute people around here (and my stalkers) will probably see it anyway.
We've had an amazing six years together, we have beautiful children and I wish him nothing but the absolute best. I hope he finds what he wants and is looking for.
And I still think I've been so lucky to have the greatest love story in the entire world. To have been loved by him, was just... well I have no words. He knows I'll always love him, for the great times we have shared, for the beautiful children he has given me.
It's with great sadness, that this has happened. And I really thank my friends for being so wonderful and caring.
I'm going to take some well deserved time out now, and please excuse for the delay in my PM responses and such.
Always.
The writings on the wall
Just when you think you got life all figured out.
It throws you this curve-ball. It swerves you.
You are left scratching your head and wondering how the crap it all happened. Why you are the last one left standing.
I don't ask questions anymore. The answers are all the wrong ones.
The writing is on the wall.
It's been coming for a long time, I just didn't see it.
It's the rise and fall.
Biggest smile all day:
Becoming this little guy's godmomma. I love you little JT!
It throws you this curve-ball. It swerves you.
You are left scratching your head and wondering how the crap it all happened. Why you are the last one left standing.
I don't ask questions anymore. The answers are all the wrong ones.
The writing is on the wall.
It's been coming for a long time, I just didn't see it.
It's the rise and fall.
Biggest smile all day:
Becoming this little guy's godmomma. I love you little JT!
Kobe Answered
'Momma?'
I almost died when I heard Mia's voice on the other end.
'They found him. He is alive. He is okay.'
My heart jumped into my throat. The week had started badly and progressively gotten worse. Now, the thing I'd prayed for to Kobe, was granted.
Mia and I spoke for a few more minutes before I hung up. Max squirmed a little, grunting in his portable crib and I went over and picked my little guy up. Walking over to the bed, I lay down with my man on my chest.
Taking a deep breath and kissing my newborn son's forehead, I could feel the atmosphere of change churning through the room.
But could I survive it?
I almost died when I heard Mia's voice on the other end.
'They found him. He is alive. He is okay.'
My heart jumped into my throat. The week had started badly and progressively gotten worse. Now, the thing I'd prayed for to Kobe, was granted.
Mia and I spoke for a few more minutes before I hung up. Max squirmed a little, grunting in his portable crib and I went over and picked my little guy up. Walking over to the bed, I lay down with my man on my chest.
Taking a deep breath and kissing my newborn son's forehead, I could feel the atmosphere of change churning through the room.
But could I survive it?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
RE: Cowboy's Last Ride
After the jam session and back to my hotel, my phone rang, it was Regi.
'Wait... calm down. What!? Are you sure?' she was talking a million miles a minute and my heart hammered in my chest as the words swirled around in my head.
Neil missing.
In accident.
No signs of life.
I hung up the phone, as the core of my being started to shake, a thousand thoughts went through my head.
It was at that moment, that every little bitching and complaining I had done in the last few days, meant absolutely nothing.
I was torn. What do I do? What do I say? I wanted to reach out to Pascaline and give her the biggest hug in the entire world.
At the moment, I did the only thing I could do.
Dropped to my knees and did a sudden prayer to Kobe,
through tears I whispered.
'Kobe, please hear me. Kobe, I need you to save my friend. Find him and take him back to his family. His family needs him. Please Kobe!'
I sat on the bed and watched Max as he slept, I held my mobile phone in my hand tightly... and waited for the next lot of news. I sure hoped that Ryan and Tiny were okay...
x.x
'Wait... calm down. What!? Are you sure?' she was talking a million miles a minute and my heart hammered in my chest as the words swirled around in my head.
Neil missing.
In accident.
No signs of life.
I hung up the phone, as the core of my being started to shake, a thousand thoughts went through my head.
It was at that moment, that every little bitching and complaining I had done in the last few days, meant absolutely nothing.
I was torn. What do I do? What do I say? I wanted to reach out to Pascaline and give her the biggest hug in the entire world.
At the moment, I did the only thing I could do.
Dropped to my knees and did a sudden prayer to Kobe,
through tears I whispered.
'Kobe, please hear me. Kobe, I need you to save my friend. Find him and take him back to his family. His family needs him. Please Kobe!'
I sat on the bed and watched Max as he slept, I held my mobile phone in my hand tightly... and waited for the next lot of news. I sure hoped that Ryan and Tiny were okay...
x.x
To Jackson:
To my beautiful son, Jackson Lee
Today was a very special day. Not because we welcomed your youngest brother, Max to the world, but because you were embarking on your own journey and starting off in the world on your own. I am so excited and proud of you.
Being your mother is one of the best jobs in the world. I think your father has done the most amazing job raising you. I am so proud that two of the boys in my life have done so well and come so far.
Everyone laughed when I became pregnant with you, I craved pizza and ice-cream sundaes the entire time. All the while continuing the police beat on the mean streets of Melbourne. It somehow seems fitting that sixteen years on, here I am, sitting in the city of Melbourne with your new baby brother, Max.
You've been the most proudest and brave big brother to Melodi, Mia, Zachary, Tilly, Annabelle, Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila, Aiden, Max - Stormy, Elmo, Saphhira Tiara & Elliot, I think the amount of squeals, cuddles and laughter you get every time you visit is such a testament to that.
I wish I could say the path ahead will be easier now you have reached this milestone, it'll be hard work. But know that, your father, myself, John and Kelsea are all here for you, supporting and loving you EVERY single step of the way.
Reach for the stars and grab your dreams, Jack.
I love you.
Love Mom
xxxx
Today was a very special day. Not because we welcomed your youngest brother, Max to the world, but because you were embarking on your own journey and starting off in the world on your own. I am so excited and proud of you.
Being your mother is one of the best jobs in the world. I think your father has done the most amazing job raising you. I am so proud that two of the boys in my life have done so well and come so far.
Everyone laughed when I became pregnant with you, I craved pizza and ice-cream sundaes the entire time. All the while continuing the police beat on the mean streets of Melbourne. It somehow seems fitting that sixteen years on, here I am, sitting in the city of Melbourne with your new baby brother, Max.
You've been the most proudest and brave big brother to Melodi, Mia, Zachary, Tilly, Annabelle, Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila, Aiden, Max - Stormy, Elmo, Saphhira Tiara & Elliot, I think the amount of squeals, cuddles and laughter you get every time you visit is such a testament to that.
I wish I could say the path ahead will be easier now you have reached this milestone, it'll be hard work. But know that, your father, myself, John and Kelsea are all here for you, supporting and loving you EVERY single step of the way.
Reach for the stars and grab your dreams, Jack.
I love you.
Love Mom
xxxx
And finally...
I was transported to the hospital only half an hour after my revelation that I thought Michael was the father of my newborn son. DNA Tests proved that this was later the case, and I had to make the phone call to the new Dad to let him know.
He knew the phone call was coming and he promised he would be on his way shortly thereafter. In the mean time, my good friend and Michael's wife, Savannah was in town with their son Jake. She stopped by the hospital and came to meet the new bundle of joy, and for Jake to meet his new brother. I was so glad that she had accepted my previous offer of becoming Max's godmother, and she would be joining Regina, Ashton and Stanton as one of Max's guardians of life and love.
Michael must've taken the first flight out because he was suddenly here, and he gave me an affectionate kiss on the forehead and then looked down at our newborn son, sleeping in the crib. 'He is adorable...' he breathed, looking over at me. I nodded with a smile, as he picked him up and cradled him gently. I played with the toy cars on the bed with Jake, as Michael and Savannah spoke softly to Max.
Max is one lucky little boy. At only a few hours old, he already has a whole bunch of people that love him.
My kids filtered in throughout the day, Jackson, Mellie (and Malaki, her long-term boyfriend), Mia and Zachary all came by after school. Regi bought Tilly and Annabelle in for a visit, and John came past in the afternoon with Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila and Aiden. Max and I released from hospital in the evening, and was able to go home and join the family.
Looking down at my newborn son as I filled out the necessary paperwork, I sighed happily for the first time in months.
'You are a lucky little man Max. And I am a damn lucky woman...' I whispered.
He knew the phone call was coming and he promised he would be on his way shortly thereafter. In the mean time, my good friend and Michael's wife, Savannah was in town with their son Jake. She stopped by the hospital and came to meet the new bundle of joy, and for Jake to meet his new brother. I was so glad that she had accepted my previous offer of becoming Max's godmother, and she would be joining Regina, Ashton and Stanton as one of Max's guardians of life and love.
Michael must've taken the first flight out because he was suddenly here, and he gave me an affectionate kiss on the forehead and then looked down at our newborn son, sleeping in the crib. 'He is adorable...' he breathed, looking over at me. I nodded with a smile, as he picked him up and cradled him gently. I played with the toy cars on the bed with Jake, as Michael and Savannah spoke softly to Max.
Max is one lucky little boy. At only a few hours old, he already has a whole bunch of people that love him.
My kids filtered in throughout the day, Jackson, Mellie (and Malaki, her long-term boyfriend), Mia and Zachary all came by after school. Regi bought Tilly and Annabelle in for a visit, and John came past in the afternoon with Valentine, Aniela, Zoey, Mila and Aiden. Max and I released from hospital in the evening, and was able to go home and join the family.
Looking down at my newborn son as I filled out the necessary paperwork, I sighed happily for the first time in months.
'You are a lucky little man Max. And I am a damn lucky woman...' I whispered.
And it was time...
It felt like just a few short minutes later, Ashton was holding on to my hands tightly, I was screaming and the calmest person in the room was Regina, who'd done this quite a few times before.
'Beth...' Regi said sternly, because she could sense I was tiring, getting weak and on the verge of just becoming a teary mess. 'It's really important now, that you just give one real, long and hard push okay?' She put a reassuring hand on mine. I nodded, and pushed.
It was that familiar feeling of a rush and then the release.
'It's a boy! He is here! He is out!' Regi said, happily rubbing my newborn son's back vigorously. Two seconds, later we heard him cry. I burst into inconsolable tears as Regi placed him on my chest and the three of us looked at him in awe. Ashton kissed my forehead, and then her new nephew's head.
The door flung open and John burst through, sweat pouring off his forehead, he slid onto the floor beside me and kissed my cheek and forehead over and over. 'Baby....' he just murmured, looking down at the new member of the family.
'It's a boy...' I whispered, blinking away tears. John looked at me and nodded, stroking my newborn son's forehead, he then whispered something in Bulgarian (as he did when Zoey, Mila and Aiden were born) and I started to cry again. I knew then, everything was truly going to be okay. Accepting my beautiful mistake, as one of his own, I knew we were going to be okay.
'Do you have a name for him?' Ashton asked me, wiping her own eyes of tears.
I nodded slightly, and whispered.
'Max Lucas... Max meaning greatest and Lucas after my beautiful Luc who looks down on me every day.' Regi cried into my shoulder, when I whispered Luc's name, as she was the only other person that truly understood the pain I felt when I lost my eldest son.
I looked down at my son and into his eyes. It was at that moment, I knew who his father was.
'Oh.. my... Kobe....' I breathed.
'Beth...' Regi said sternly, because she could sense I was tiring, getting weak and on the verge of just becoming a teary mess. 'It's really important now, that you just give one real, long and hard push okay?' She put a reassuring hand on mine. I nodded, and pushed.
It was that familiar feeling of a rush and then the release.
'It's a boy! He is here! He is out!' Regi said, happily rubbing my newborn son's back vigorously. Two seconds, later we heard him cry. I burst into inconsolable tears as Regi placed him on my chest and the three of us looked at him in awe. Ashton kissed my forehead, and then her new nephew's head.
The door flung open and John burst through, sweat pouring off his forehead, he slid onto the floor beside me and kissed my cheek and forehead over and over. 'Baby....' he just murmured, looking down at the new member of the family.
'It's a boy...' I whispered, blinking away tears. John looked at me and nodded, stroking my newborn son's forehead, he then whispered something in Bulgarian (as he did when Zoey, Mila and Aiden were born) and I started to cry again. I knew then, everything was truly going to be okay. Accepting my beautiful mistake, as one of his own, I knew we were going to be okay.
'Do you have a name for him?' Ashton asked me, wiping her own eyes of tears.
I nodded slightly, and whispered.
'Max Lucas... Max meaning greatest and Lucas after my beautiful Luc who looks down on me every day.' Regi cried into my shoulder, when I whispered Luc's name, as she was the only other person that truly understood the pain I felt when I lost my eldest son.
I looked down at my son and into his eyes. It was at that moment, I knew who his father was.
'Oh.. my... Kobe....' I breathed.
It was time...
My contractions were coming hard and fast, and I was alone. I couldn't even pry myself off the hotel room floor to get to the phone beside the bed to call an ambulance or John or anyone. It was a miracle when Ashton knocked on the door just a few moments later, she kicked down the door when she heard me whimper on the other side and her eyes widened in shock when she saw me crumpled on the floor. She called down the hall to Regi and they both came running in. The feeling of relief just flooded over me as I knew things were going to be okay. The emotions were too much, and I started to cry. The girls helped me into another position and Ashton sat beside me and stroked my sweaty forehead and gave me a kiss.
'Oh Beth... it'll be okay... I promise...' she whispered, squeezing my hand.
Regi squeezed my hand reassuringly and smiled.
'Forever, remember that...' she said, referring to a promise that we made each other.
'I can't do this without John.' I said through tears, I was feeling completely defeated.
'I don't think your little one is giving you much of a choice!' Ashton said with a smile. 'I think the baby wants to meet their Mommy...' Regi added.
Ashton opened her cell phone and called John, briefly explained what was happening and handed the phone to me.
'Baby?' I said tearfully.
'It'll be okay baby. I'll leave the venue now. I'll be there as soon as I can!' He said. I could hear him slamming car doors and buckling a seatbelt.
'I am so sorry...' I croaked out, my voice quivering.
'Baby... stop apologising. Save your strength. You are going to meet the latest member of our family. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you!' John said.
I handed the phone back to Ashton, who gave me another kiss on the forehead.
'Yeah so, the little one doesn't want to wait... we are doing this now...' Regi said, grabbing a bunch of hotel towels out.
'Now?' Ashton and I both exclaimed.
'Yep, right now.'
'Oh Beth... it'll be okay... I promise...' she whispered, squeezing my hand.
Regi squeezed my hand reassuringly and smiled.
'Forever, remember that...' she said, referring to a promise that we made each other.
'I can't do this without John.' I said through tears, I was feeling completely defeated.
'I don't think your little one is giving you much of a choice!' Ashton said with a smile. 'I think the baby wants to meet their Mommy...' Regi added.
Ashton opened her cell phone and called John, briefly explained what was happening and handed the phone to me.
'Baby?' I said tearfully.
'It'll be okay baby. I'll leave the venue now. I'll be there as soon as I can!' He said. I could hear him slamming car doors and buckling a seatbelt.
'I am so sorry...' I croaked out, my voice quivering.
'Baby... stop apologising. Save your strength. You are going to meet the latest member of our family. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you!' John said.
I handed the phone back to Ashton, who gave me another kiss on the forehead.
'Yeah so, the little one doesn't want to wait... we are doing this now...' Regi said, grabbing a bunch of hotel towels out.
'Now?' Ashton and I both exclaimed.
'Yep, right now.'
Conversations with my sister
Sitting down today with a baby name book, I began the long (and drawn out) process of searching for the perfect name for the baby.
Ashton, my dear sister, was in Moscow and caught up with me for a drink before we both had to dash off to band related activities. She joined me at the restaurant, and looked at the book.
'Baby names?' She said with a surprise.
Up until a few days ago, I was avoiding any discussions baby related so this was a surprise. I nodded. Gesturing to the girls name section of the book.
'I am quite stuck here though. I just can't seem to find a girl's name that I love, yanno?'
Ashton nodded and thought for a moment as she flicked through the menu.
'What about Mimi?'
I blinked, just in time for her to start a bombardment of name choices.
'Margarita?'
'Meritxel?'
'Mari Pili?'
'Maj-Britt?'
'Margrethe?'
'Maca?'
'Melanctha?'
'Marpessa?'
'Moona?'
I contemplated in throwing my menu at Ashton, but she must've caught my frame of thinking because she put her index finger up and said - 'Catlike moves woman!'
She was silent for a moment, as I absorbed the bombardment of names that were just thrown my way, when she exploded:
'OH MY KOBE! I HAVE GOT IT! I'VE GOT!' her voice echoing throughout the restaurant, that made the punters turn around and stare.
'MAUI!'
'Like Meow?' I wondered outloud.
Ashton then proceeded to sound out the name, which resembled to some sort of barnyard animal and I couldn't help but just blink and stare in shock for a moment as to the events that had just taken place.
' So... whilst you have been prattling random names at me like you have tourette syndrome or something, I actually made a list of the names I liked.'
'So no Mashton?' Ash said with a sad face.
I chuckled.
'Maybe if there's a Mashton....'
Ashton, my dear sister, was in Moscow and caught up with me for a drink before we both had to dash off to band related activities. She joined me at the restaurant, and looked at the book.
'Baby names?' She said with a surprise.
Up until a few days ago, I was avoiding any discussions baby related so this was a surprise. I nodded. Gesturing to the girls name section of the book.
'I am quite stuck here though. I just can't seem to find a girl's name that I love, yanno?'
Ashton nodded and thought for a moment as she flicked through the menu.
'What about Mimi?'
I blinked, just in time for her to start a bombardment of name choices.
'Margarita?'
'Meritxel?'
'Mari Pili?'
'Maj-Britt?'
'Margrethe?'
'Maca?'
'Melanctha?'
'Marpessa?'
'Moona?'
I contemplated in throwing my menu at Ashton, but she must've caught my frame of thinking because she put her index finger up and said - 'Catlike moves woman!'
She was silent for a moment, as I absorbed the bombardment of names that were just thrown my way, when she exploded:
'OH MY KOBE! I HAVE GOT IT! I'VE GOT!' her voice echoing throughout the restaurant, that made the punters turn around and stare.
'MAUI!'
'Like Meow?' I wondered outloud.
Ashton then proceeded to sound out the name, which resembled to some sort of barnyard animal and I couldn't help but just blink and stare in shock for a moment as to the events that had just taken place.
' So... whilst you have been prattling random names at me like you have tourette syndrome or something, I actually made a list of the names I liked.'
'So no Mashton?' Ash said with a sad face.
I chuckled.
'Maybe if there's a Mashton....'
Life Shattering Part 8
My husband made love to me today.
A sign that things are looking up?
I know I fucked up. But I will do everything I can.
A sign that things are looking up?
I know I fucked up. But I will do everything I can.
Life Shattering Part 7
'Holy shit...' Ashton commented as she held my hair back as I puked once again.
'This is bullshit!' I exclaimed, whilst my guilt and shame had subsided, the morning sickness had kicked in full throttle.
'Do you even remember anything?' Ashton asked as she rubbed my back and handed me a glass of water.
'Oh yeah... Stephen Leece and I used a rubber. I woke with a start the other night and remembered that he tore the packet off with his teeth, spat it out and well... yanno.' I said, my face going red.
'So you are down to two?' Ashton said, handing me a cool compress for my forehead.
I nodded, sipping the water and shaking my head. The shame washed over me like I was laying on a beach and a wave had crashed in.
I patted Ashton's own baby belly and gave her a smile.
'I'm excited that I'll be doing this with you sis...' I said, 'If there is anything good I can take out of this... well... that would be it!'
Ashton smiled and gave me a hug.
'Beth... you are going to be a Mommy again. Again...'
It dawned on me. She was right.
I'm going to have a newborn in the house again. Holy... shit.
Was I really doing the right thing?
'This is bullshit!' I exclaimed, whilst my guilt and shame had subsided, the morning sickness had kicked in full throttle.
'Do you even remember anything?' Ashton asked as she rubbed my back and handed me a glass of water.
'Oh yeah... Stephen Leece and I used a rubber. I woke with a start the other night and remembered that he tore the packet off with his teeth, spat it out and well... yanno.' I said, my face going red.
'So you are down to two?' Ashton said, handing me a cool compress for my forehead.
I nodded, sipping the water and shaking my head. The shame washed over me like I was laying on a beach and a wave had crashed in.
I patted Ashton's own baby belly and gave her a smile.
'I'm excited that I'll be doing this with you sis...' I said, 'If there is anything good I can take out of this... well... that would be it!'
Ashton smiled and gave me a hug.
'Beth... you are going to be a Mommy again. Again...'
It dawned on me. She was right.
I'm going to have a newborn in the house again. Holy... shit.
Was I really doing the right thing?
Life Shattering Part 6
I picked up the proofs for It's POP Global today, to be published later today.
I noticed Cali, my co-editor and good friend, hovering over a particular piece and make a good effort to hide my view of it.
'Cali?' I said with a laugh, 'What are you doing?'
She looked at me with a serious face.
'You don't want to see this...' She said, standing her ground.
'What?' I was completely lost.
'It's It's POP Gossip...' she said, about one of our anonymously delivered column articles delivered every week.
My stomach and heart lurched.
'How bad is it?' I said, bracing myself.
'It's bad...' She said quietly.
'I should see it. I mean... I have to see it. Everyone see's it in a few hours!' I said, preparing myself for everything.
Cali reluctantly stepped to the side and let me have view of the column.
Mortified. Horrified. The shame washed over me once again.
I'll never live this down.
'Okay.' I said after a moment taking it in.
'Okay?' Cali echoed.
I nodded, excusing myself and heading straight for my office. Locking the door behind me, I sank to the floor, leaning against the door and put my head to my knees.
I give up. I wave my white flag.
I noticed Cali, my co-editor and good friend, hovering over a particular piece and make a good effort to hide my view of it.
'Cali?' I said with a laugh, 'What are you doing?'
She looked at me with a serious face.
'You don't want to see this...' She said, standing her ground.
'What?' I was completely lost.
'It's It's POP Gossip...' she said, about one of our anonymously delivered column articles delivered every week.
My stomach and heart lurched.
'How bad is it?' I said, bracing myself.
'It's bad...' She said quietly.
'I should see it. I mean... I have to see it. Everyone see's it in a few hours!' I said, preparing myself for everything.
Cali reluctantly stepped to the side and let me have view of the column.
Mortified. Horrified. The shame washed over me once again.
I'll never live this down.
'Okay.' I said after a moment taking it in.
'Okay?' Cali echoed.
I nodded, excusing myself and heading straight for my office. Locking the door behind me, I sank to the floor, leaning against the door and put my head to my knees.
I give up. I wave my white flag.
Life Shattering Part 5
I woke up this morning, to realise that John had taken the kids out for a walk. Bleary-eyed, into the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. The evidence of my poor judgment and horrible decisions made itself known.
My stomach was slightly swelled.
This was really, truly happening. I was going to live with this mistake for the rest of my life and look at it grow inside me for the next eight months.
A few people have asked me why I wasn't carrying condoms. Well, to be fair - I was, I just hadn't realised I had run out. Because of the sheer amount of people that I was hanging around with in London, I (and others) missed the fact that I was ovulating.
'Beth you are old enough to know better!' A friend scolded at me. And she was right, I do and I've hurt so many people with my completely reckless, think-less actions.
Maybe one day, I'll stop hating myself. Tomorrow at least, I'll see my sister. I need some cuddles from her.
Open Fire. I wish I could just sleep for a million years and this would've be completely over.
My stomach was slightly swelled.
This was really, truly happening. I was going to live with this mistake for the rest of my life and look at it grow inside me for the next eight months.
A few people have asked me why I wasn't carrying condoms. Well, to be fair - I was, I just hadn't realised I had run out. Because of the sheer amount of people that I was hanging around with in London, I (and others) missed the fact that I was ovulating.
'Beth you are old enough to know better!' A friend scolded at me. And she was right, I do and I've hurt so many people with my completely reckless, think-less actions.
Maybe one day, I'll stop hating myself. Tomorrow at least, I'll see my sister. I need some cuddles from her.
Open Fire. I wish I could just sleep for a million years and this would've be completely over.
Life Shattering Part 4
I was determined to make things right.
I had fucked up, and I knew it, there were no two ways about it.
I had texted Sally a few hours after my startling realisation. I'd obviously worried her so badly, she took a private jet out to see me straight away.
She held my hand across the restaurant table, as I told her what had occurred and the events leading up to my demise.
'I just gotta ask Bee...' she said, taking a sip of her Coopers. 'Uh... who are the potential Dad's?'
It was the question I was dreading. Partly because I was so mortified, and partly because I, myself couldn't believe how reckless I was over a 24 hour period.
'Well... Brad Salter and I had sex, but like... he swears he wore a rubber - so I am guessing he is out. Then... I sort of, kinda... had a bit of a wild time with Reg Cornell at a wedding, where I drank a bit too much absinthe. I definitely said a very... happy hello to Stephen Leece as he was in town. And Michael Maynard and I caught up for some... happy times' I drifted off toward the end.
Sally blinked for a moment and held her index finger up to gesture for me to wait, she took her beer and sculled it.
'Ok.' She said, taking a breath. She moved seats to the one closest to me and gave me a huge hug. 'You'll get through this Bee. I know you will. And I'll be standing by your side the entire way.'
She's a good friend. Next up, just to catch up with my homegirl and my sister.
For now though, I was just determined to make us the special two again.
I had fucked up, and I knew it, there were no two ways about it.
I had texted Sally a few hours after my startling realisation. I'd obviously worried her so badly, she took a private jet out to see me straight away.
She held my hand across the restaurant table, as I told her what had occurred and the events leading up to my demise.
'I just gotta ask Bee...' she said, taking a sip of her Coopers. 'Uh... who are the potential Dad's?'
It was the question I was dreading. Partly because I was so mortified, and partly because I, myself couldn't believe how reckless I was over a 24 hour period.
'Well... Brad Salter and I had sex, but like... he swears he wore a rubber - so I am guessing he is out. Then... I sort of, kinda... had a bit of a wild time with Reg Cornell at a wedding, where I drank a bit too much absinthe. I definitely said a very... happy hello to Stephen Leece as he was in town. And Michael Maynard and I caught up for some... happy times' I drifted off toward the end.
Sally blinked for a moment and held her index finger up to gesture for me to wait, she took her beer and sculled it.
'Ok.' She said, taking a breath. She moved seats to the one closest to me and gave me a huge hug. 'You'll get through this Bee. I know you will. And I'll be standing by your side the entire way.'
She's a good friend. Next up, just to catch up with my homegirl and my sister.
For now though, I was just determined to make us the special two again.
Life Shattering Part 3
'You're what?!' Jonathan exclaimed.
His face was a mixture of confusion and disbelief. My heart was breaking that I was doing this to a man, that I love completely.
I looked down at my hands, I had no words, no excuses. I had fucked up, and now I took on the consequences. It could cost me my friends, family and my marriage. The burning question was... would he stand by me?
'Beth! This is crazy!' He said, in the same tone as before.
'I know,' I said quietly. What else could I say? This WAS crazy.
'Who's the father?' He said, not accusingly but curiously.
My eyes darted around to everywhere else, but him.
'Uh....' What exactly was I going to say? Hey babe, went on a bender, had sex with a handful of people and I don't know who the fuck my baby's daddy is?
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair and down to his two day old stubble. He sat beside me on the bed.
'Well... fuck...' he sighed.
'Yep...' I echoed.
He took a deep breath, I could see his eyes racing a million miles a minute.
I braced myself...
John started chuckling. 'Morning sickness kicked in yet, party girl?' he winked, then embraced me. 'You're looking at 9 months of pot shots and jokes, babe. Ya ready?'
'What?' I said, my ears were fading in and out of sound.
'Lets embrace this, like we have everything else before...' He said
'WHAT? You aren't divorcing me? Picking the kids up and going to live in Bolivia?' I exclaimed.
'Where the fuck's Bolivia?' He said, looking at me confused.
I couldn't respond.
'You ain't getting rid of me that easy, babe.' He said, putting his hand on mine. 'But... I do think you need some help. I know you've been hurting since Lucius died. But he'd want you to live, not self-destruct. And don't forget the babies you have here. They need you too...'
I nodded, slowly, dazed. 'Yes you are right...'
Seriously... how could a man this great... possibly love me after what I have done?
His face was a mixture of confusion and disbelief. My heart was breaking that I was doing this to a man, that I love completely.
I looked down at my hands, I had no words, no excuses. I had fucked up, and now I took on the consequences. It could cost me my friends, family and my marriage. The burning question was... would he stand by me?
'Beth! This is crazy!' He said, in the same tone as before.
'I know,' I said quietly. What else could I say? This WAS crazy.
'Who's the father?' He said, not accusingly but curiously.
My eyes darted around to everywhere else, but him.
'Uh....' What exactly was I going to say? Hey babe, went on a bender, had sex with a handful of people and I don't know who the fuck my baby's daddy is?
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair and down to his two day old stubble. He sat beside me on the bed.
'Well... fuck...' he sighed.
'Yep...' I echoed.
He took a deep breath, I could see his eyes racing a million miles a minute.
I braced myself...
John started chuckling. 'Morning sickness kicked in yet, party girl?' he winked, then embraced me. 'You're looking at 9 months of pot shots and jokes, babe. Ya ready?'
'What?' I said, my ears were fading in and out of sound.
'Lets embrace this, like we have everything else before...' He said
'WHAT? You aren't divorcing me? Picking the kids up and going to live in Bolivia?' I exclaimed.
'Where the fuck's Bolivia?' He said, looking at me confused.
I couldn't respond.
'You ain't getting rid of me that easy, babe.' He said, putting his hand on mine. 'But... I do think you need some help. I know you've been hurting since Lucius died. But he'd want you to live, not self-destruct. And don't forget the babies you have here. They need you too...'
I nodded, slowly, dazed. 'Yes you are right...'
Seriously... how could a man this great... possibly love me after what I have done?
Life Shattering Part 2
Throughout the flight to Mexico, the waves of nausea were giving me palpitations. I don’t know whether it was the bottle of absinth making me unwell or the fact that I was moments away from my damnation.
It was like slow motion as I walked off the plane, through the gates and met John, who was standing there and smiling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss in my hair and even though I looked like crap, still said I looked beautiful.
The car ride to our hotel was long and pain-filled. I made mindless conversation and laughed at the right spots in John’s stories. Once we were in the hotel room, John obviously couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Alright Beth… what’s going on?’
I took a deep breath and a plunge at my fate.
How the hell could I do this?
It was like slow motion as I walked off the plane, through the gates and met John, who was standing there and smiling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss in my hair and even though I looked like crap, still said I looked beautiful.
The car ride to our hotel was long and pain-filled. I made mindless conversation and laughed at the right spots in John’s stories. Once we were in the hotel room, John obviously couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Alright Beth… what’s going on?’
I took a deep breath and a plunge at my fate.
How the hell could I do this?
Life Shattering Part 1
My hands shook as I held the test and the bright blue lines stared back at me.
'Fuck.'
The hotel room stank of booze and sex. It stank of my shame. How did it come this way? How did I get on this path of self-loathing and destruction?
Looking at my drawn out, gaunt appearance in the mirror, I felt sick. I looked sick.
How the hell am I going to get out of this one? My mine screamed, cursed and hated me all at once.
I picked up my mobile phone and booked a flight, my next phone call was to Jonathan.
'Babe... it's me. Meet me at the airport. We gotta talk...'
'Fuck.'
The hotel room stank of booze and sex. It stank of my shame. How did it come this way? How did I get on this path of self-loathing and destruction?
Looking at my drawn out, gaunt appearance in the mirror, I felt sick. I looked sick.
How the hell am I going to get out of this one? My mine screamed, cursed and hated me all at once.
I picked up my mobile phone and booked a flight, my next phone call was to Jonathan.
'Babe... it's me. Meet me at the airport. We gotta talk...'
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